Seeing us

Seeing us,
The greenery of that garden quivers.

Spotting us,
Those butterflies continue to fly.

Viewing us,
Those tree-trunks crown flowers.

Observing us,
That zoo is brought with a pair of cranes.

Staring at us,
Those children play at brides and grooms.

Eying us,
Those elders teeth again.

Translation of Ravaji Patel’s following poem.

Pancham Shukla
18-02-2010

આપણને જોઈ

આપણને જોઈ
પેલા બગીચામાં લીલોતરી સળવળે.

આપણને જોઈ
પેલા પતંગિયા હજીયે તે ઊડ્યા કરે.

આપણને જોઈ
પેલી ડાળીઓ પ્હેરી લે છે ફૂલ-મોડ.

આપણને જોઈ
પેલા ઝૂ માં આણી સારસની એક જોડ.

આપણને જોઈ
પેલા છોકરાઓ વર-વહુ બન્યા કરે.

આપણને જોઈ
પેલા ઘરડાંને ચપોચપ દાંત ફૂટે.

– રાવજી પટેલ

25 Comments

  1. readsetu
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 2:34 am | Permalink

    nice poem & nice translation…

    Lata Hirani

  2. Sudhir Patel
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 2:51 am | Permalink

    Very nice poem of Ravji Patel and equally enjoyable translation!
    Sudhir Patel.

  3. Posted September 15, 2010 at 7:17 am | Permalink

    Nice…… Its really a beautiful poem, Panchambhai, you’ve really done a good job,but I had a suggestion… Hope you don’t mind……..
    “Those tree-trunks crown flowers.” and
    “That zoo is brought with a pair of cranes.”
    these lines seems to be bit improper….

    Instead… how about these?

    looking at us,
    Those branches puts on flower chaplets.

    Looking at us,
    In that zoo they brought a pair of cranes.

    and how about repeating “Looking at us” every time?

    Once again…. this is just a suggestion… and I do not have any intentions of hurting you.

    Regards,
    Paru Krishnakant.

  4. Posted September 15, 2010 at 7:20 am | Permalink

    રાવજી પટેલની કવિતાનો તમે ખૂબ સરસ ભવવાહી અનુવાદ કર્યો છે. વાંચીને મજા આવી. અભિનંદન.

  5. Posted September 15, 2010 at 12:53 pm | Permalink

    ખુબ સુંદર અનુવાદ વાંચવાની મજા આવી ગઈ…
    આપણને જોઈ
    પેલા બગીચામાં લીલોતરી સળવળે.

  6. Posted September 15, 2010 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    આપણે પ્રકૃતિના એક ભાગ રૂપે છીએ તેનું સુંદર કાવ્ય!

  7. Posted September 15, 2010 at 3:10 pm | Permalink

    The translation is missing the punch that is found in original. I have also tried English translations many times, but that gist is missing somehow in me.

    Maybe we should have fresh poem in English which might be a better effort?

  8. Kirtikant Purohit
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    Both ranslation and original are excellent.I am sure your final version will be also par exellence.It is necessary that our literature gets exposed to new english speaking breeds.Lage raho…

  9. Bharat Trivedi
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 6:51 pm | Permalink

    I love the poem and your translation. It’s a song so to capture the original mood is very difficult if not impossible. I gave it a try for fun andI don’t think it makes the translation any better.

    Watching us,
    greenery in that garden beat.

    Watching us,
    Those butterflies keep soar!

    Watching us,
    Those twigs cap flowers.

    Watching us,
    In that zoo came a pair of cranes!

    Watching us,
    Those kids play bride and groom.

    Watching us,
    Those elder’s teeth quickly bloom!

    • Posted September 15, 2010 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

      Thanks a lot Bharatbhai. Such efforts and contributions from readers will help me to produce a better version that captures the original tone and beauty to the best of its translational faithfulness.

  10. Posted September 16, 2010 at 3:15 am | Permalink

    સરસ કાવ્યનો સરસ અનુવાદ… મજાની વાત..

  11. Posted September 16, 2010 at 7:17 am | Permalink

    awsome…

    nice poem..

  12. Posted September 16, 2010 at 5:38 pm | Permalink

    સુંદર કવિતાનો સુંદર અનુવાદ.

  13. Posted September 16, 2010 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    Liked the different flavours of one act i.e. seeing, observing, spotting……single words with different flavours release a lot of expressions. Really liked the way of translation.

  14. Ramesh Patel
    Posted September 16, 2010 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

    યશગાથા સમી બ્લોગ પોષ્ટ, જીવન અને કુદરતના તાણાવાણા
    કેવા અજબ ગજબની રીતે ગૂંથાયેલા છે.શ્રી રાવજી પટેલની
    હૃદય સોંસરવી ઉતરી જાય એવી કૃતિનું સરસ અંગ્રેજી દર્પંણ.
    અભિનંદન શ્રી પંચમભાઈ .

    રમેશ પટેલ(આકાશદીપ)

  15. himanshupatel555
    Posted September 16, 2010 at 11:36 pm | Permalink

    પંચમભાઈ ૨૦૦૫માં મારા રાવજી-મણિલાલ
    દેસઈ અને વિશ્વ,એવા કોન્સેપ્ટ સાથે મેં વિશ્વ સાહિત્યમાંથી એ બેની ઉમરના અને એવાજ તથા અન્ય રોગો અને કારણોસર મૃત્યુ પામેલા કુલ ૧૦૩ કાવ્યોના અનુવાદ કર્યા છે તેમાં રાવજી પટેલના આ કાવ્યનો
    અનુવાદ મેં પણ કર્યો છે જે આ મુજબ છેઃ
    Seeing us.

    eying us
    The greenery of that garden quivers.
    Spotting us,
    those butterflies are still flying
    staring us
    those crown flowers branch out
    Observing us,
    that zoo brought a pair of cranes.
    viewing us
    kids play bride and groom
    seeing us
    those elders teeth bloom again
    (2005)

  16. Posted September 20, 2010 at 5:26 pm | Permalink

    One more translation from an experienced translator (name deliberately not disclosed) I received is presented herewith:

    Seeing us

    The green grandeur of all the garden begins to stir
    and
    The flying butterflies keep fluttering on and on ever since.

    Seeing us
    The tips of all the twigs decked themselves in wreathes of flowers
    and
    yonder in the zoo a pair of Saras birds was added.

    Seeing us
    The children over there began playing the bride and groom
    and
    The aged people witnessed themselves teething chapochap.

    • himanshupatel555
      Posted September 26, 2010 at 1:37 am | Permalink

      લંબાણ અ કારણ છે અને મિલ્ટન કે કિટ્સના જમાનામાં લખાઈ હોય તેવું અનુભવાયુ તથા ‘ચપોચપ’ અનુવાદને દેશી
      ટચ આપે છે, ગમ્યું વાંચવા પુરતું.

  17. Posted September 23, 2010 at 5:44 am | Permalink

    સુંદર કવિતાનો રસપ્રદ અનુવાદ.. મિત્રોના પ્રતિભાવ પણ મજાના…

  18. Posted September 26, 2010 at 11:25 pm | Permalink

    Pancham’da it is really good poem of poet Mr Ravji Patel,and you did exalent job with translation.
    Sapana

  19. Posted December 3, 2010 at 5:03 am | Permalink

    maru gamtu kavya, web par pan mukelu.

    anuvad, indivudal english poem jevo j lagyo🙂

    means… wonderful !!

  20. Posted March 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm | Permalink

    I agree to the most of us.

    You have served well to the original by trying to keep the beauty intact, with a minimalist approach.

    Translating a poem though is a very tough job.

    As it is said in an interesting way by Robert Frost himself – ‘Poetry is, what gets lost in translation!’

    There are but very good examples of translations as well, like ‘The Song Offerings’ from Geetanjali by Tagore, no one would know of such a beautiful literature if it would only be available in Bangla.


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